Speaking of elective surgery...

Do you think the American Society of Plastic Surgeons has anything to do with this warning on my box of Kleenex? (Actually, to be correct, it is Nicole's box of Kleenex).

It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue.

I think I better end the post here.

How come everyone I know is about to have a baby? Or is that "everyone I know is about to have babies"?

Am I the only one who has read this important baby literature?

In 1980 as well as 2000, childless couples were generally happier than those with children. The study didn't explore how children or the absence of them may contribute to the stability of marriages.

Update: After typing this, I headed over to thingnamer.com, only to discover that Tate and Sarah have moved out of the "about to have a baby" category, and into the "just had a baby category". I am too lazy to retitle this post: "How come everybody I know has just had a baby, or is about to have a baby?"

Congratulations to the new parents. Give us a few days notice before you open anything good...

I do not like the new soap in the men's restroom.

I am sure I am not alone, and the thought that other people might share my dislike of the new soap is frightening. You see, according to a study conducted by our clinical department, only 30% of subjects using the men's room wash their hands...and that study was conducted with the old (less greasy) soap. Sadly, this study likely suffered from observational bias. (The subjects are more likely to wash their hands when they know they are being watched). Sadder still, one can only assume that even fewer persons will be washing their hands with the new(less agreeable) soap.

Yes, I plan to continue washing my hands.

Yes, I am at work today.

No, work is not busy today.

So I married a chicken.

My father, the magician, used to have a large library of magic and magic related books. He probably still does have a large library of magic and magic related books, though I have absolutely no time to devote to any additional hobbies, so that point is moot. Back to the topic at hand: I never became a very good magician, mostly because I was more interested in knowing how the tricks (illusions, says Gob) were done, rather than actually being able to do them.

But those magic related books...by the age of 13, I was quite an accomplished juggler, and an aspiring hypnotist. My hypnotizing skills never advanced much; quite possibly because hypnosis is a hoax...or so I had thought, until I discovered that the sleeping Nicole is open to the power of suggestion. I have been able to make her cluck on demand for several months, and she has recently begun work on a chicken symphony. Waking Nicole is not so open to suggestion, and does not believe that sleeping Nicole has such a fondness for clucking. For your listening pleasure, I shall post a recording here...just as soon as the chicken symphony is done.

Gripe of the day...

(Alternate title was: "The ferry came"...but I couldn't decide on the spelling of ferry.)



It now costs $1 to ride the Balboa Island Ferry. If you want to take your bicycle on board, that will run you an extra 25 cents. If you have a tandem bicycle, those sneaky ferry operators will do their best to charge you for two bicycles.

Did I mention this thing only goes 300 feet? (Maybe that's 300 yards?) Either way, for $2.50, I think I'll build my own boat and paddle across. Nico, you with me?

The Sage from South Central...

I made it 34 years living in the celebrity capital of the world, without having my picture taken with a celebrity. This blog has ruined me...first Greg Lemond, now Larry Elder. Anyway, hey everybody look at Larry Elder, Nicole, and me. As I told Larry yesterday, he is the person most credited with turning me into a libertarian (Ayn Rand and the IRS also played a part).


The Bob Robert's Society Band came pretty close to my goal of raising $1000 for the American Diabetes Association. If you would like to contribute, you still have another 2 weeks. Go ahead and donate on Nicole's page; she'll get a jersey if she makes it to $500.

Here we are at the finish line. I think I am not really that sweaty. I have been trying out this new sunscreen...it's kind of shiny.


65 miles in just over 5 hours...the 5 hours included stopping at every rest stop (for the worst tasting sports drink in the world), changing a flat tire, and helping a fellow cyclist patch a tire. I reckon cycling 65 miles would be much easier if we didn't take 12 months off between cycling adventures. Back to that flat tire...I am sick of flat tires. Actually, we rarely get flat tires, but my Continental Grand Prix 3000s are wearing out, so I am thinking of putting Armadillos on the tandem. Only problem (aside from slowing us down), the profiles on the Armadillos are a little too high to fit in the case. Does anybody have a good recommendation for a traveling tire? I am sick of replacing the Continentals every thousand miles.

In other news: Guitar class is coming to an end. I have to play a song for the final. Anybody able to ID this song? I'll give you a hint: It is thought to be the first song written about El Niño.

I'm number 1!!!

I did not read the race instructions. No worries.

I assumed the race committee would be using 5 minute starts (instead of the 3 minute starts clearly stated in the race instructions. No worries.

Setting my watch for 5 minute countdowns instead of 3 resulted in a rather late start. No worries. (At least my non-waterproof sailing watch had dried out from windsurfing, and was again functioning).

My boat did not have a sail number (which is supposed to result in disqualification. No worries. (The race committee accepted the blue piece of paper [with a black "1" on it] that we held up as we crossed the start and finish lines).

Okay, I confess: None of the other Shields showed up for the first Beercans. Fortunately, there was one Harbor 20. Sure, a Harbor 20 is a much slower boat, but this boat was captained by mi amigo Lee, world champion Harbor 20 racer.

Speaking of Beercans, I'm breaking in some new crew for summer racing. It seems everybody I know has been invited to race on much larger boats. Hey, 30 feet is more than long enough.

So I scoured my old (beginning sailing) class lists and came up with Sevin and Devrim. They both scored very low on the irritating scale and high on the sailing potential scale. Who could be better to sail with, and isn't that Mickey Mantle's number? They are both computer people, so maybe they have blogs somewhere.

I probably have room for one more person, if anybody else wants to race. Prerequisites: 1)You must be non-irritating.
2)You must have at least a little sailing experience.
Job duties: 1) Alert me to anything I am about to crash into.
2)Immediately after the start of every race, turn to the captain and say: "That was a great start, Michael".

I should be doping...

Getting ready for the start of Beercans on Thursday, I thought it might be a good idea to review the racing rules. Racing rules are boring. But do you know what isn't? Doping. Here is the International Sailing Federation's anti-doping code. Of interest, the International Sailing Federation uses the World Anti-Doping Agency's list of banned substances. I am going to assume that cycling and running use the same list. I am not sure if a single list benefits me or not. Probably not, I could end up getting banned from three sports if I decide I want to be taller. Speaking of human growth hormone, does anybody think Sylvester Stallone's head looks bigger?

So anyway, can somebody please read that WADA list and tell me if sailing has banned alcohol? Balboa Yacht Club: If you name your Thursday night races "Beercans", you are just begging us participants to drink.

Please donate to the elective surgery fund.

I finally broke down and scheduled my Lasik procedure. I have approximately four weeks to come up with $4500.

Unfortunately, my Lasik surgeon is also a plastic surgeon...I'm not sure where he finds the time while still managing to perform 15,000 Lasik procedures. After I have perfect vision, he says I will be wanting him to smooth out my skin...I suppose I should have been insulted. We did not discuss how much this procedure would cost.

So I'm at the dentist yesterday, and while I'm telling my dentist (an avid cyclist) about the time I met Greg Lemond, I get to thinking: Greg Lemond has much whiter teeth than me. Worse, my teeth are going to look extra off-white when I have perfect vision. Not to worry, white teeth can me mine for a mere $500. I have the world's most expensive dentist.