Monday, February 26, 2007

My name is Michael, and I am a drug addict. Not surprising for a guy with a webpage named Mark Helprin understands my addiction; most likely you do not.

I have been clean for the better part of 5 years. Still, given the chance to walk the farms of Colombia, I would feel obligated to at least sample the crops, though I am sure that I could stop after just a small taste...Colombian is good and all, but you can buy it just about anywhere; and even high quality Colombian does not compare to Jamaica Blue. If Jamaica Blue were easily (and cheaply) available in the US, I never would have been on the wagon for so long.

Nico and I are planning a trip to Caribbean. Nico says all inclusive is the only way to do Jamaica. I could do without the all you can eat; I could even do without the all you can drink. All you can sail/all you can windsurf? I am sold. I had not, however, counted on all the Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee you can drink. I can say without a doubt that I will be hooked by the end of the week. I think I'll bring an empty suitcase to pack with coffee to bring home. I am told the street price in Jamaica is only $11/ that with $57.26 at Diedrich, and I could go into business.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Questions you might want to ask Greg Lemond, should you ever meet him...

What should we call our Tour de Cure Team?

I had not had quite enough to drink to actually ask him this, and since the Thingnamer would not provide me with a name (I think I have run up a $24,000 bill), the best we could come up with was the Bob Robert's Society Band. If you're a cyclist, please consider joining the Bob Robert's Society Band (we might be riding the Napa Tour also). If you are not a cyclist, please donate some money to the American Diabetes Association by click on this link right here.

So anyway, the weirdest question that somebody actually asked was: "What's your lead level?" Though Greg Lemond seemed a little surprised by this question, he talked freely about the dozens of shotgun pellets in his body, about the chelation he might need, and about how he might be insane. He sounded much less insane than most people who call me asking about chelation...more people than you would imgine call me asking about chelation.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Everything you love about Vegas...

Picture a generic (non-themed) Vegas Casino. Take away any glamorous tourists (replace with sleazy locals from the 909; take away the hot cocktail waitresses (replace with sleazy locals from the 909) and their free drinks; take away the dice at the craps table (replace with playing cards numbered Ace through 6); and take away all that cigarette smoke...

Wait a second, Casino Morongo was full of cigarette smoke. I'm not really sure how smoking is possible indoors in our Proud State of California...must have something to do with Tribal Law trumping state statutes. So why the hell are there no dice at the craps table?

Of course, nothing seemed to be bothering my very favorite Korean Pharmacist, a self proclaimed gambling addict, as she hammered away at the black jack tables. After 3 hours, I dragged her away...she was not happy and complained the whole way home. Telling her: "You were up $300, you never would have left with that money had you stayed another 2 hours," did nothing to placate her.

My date shake at Hadley's (next door) was the highlight of my day. A true slice of Americana...the little restaurant in the front is plastered with head shots of the various celebrities that have stopped at the place (it used to be the last sign of civilization before Palm Springs). Most notable: 3 (randomly placed) signed photos of Kevin Nealon: young Kevin Nealon (SNL, or maybe pre-SNL), middle aged Kevin Nealon (not sure what he was doing for the last 20 years), and old Kevin Nealon (Weeds era).

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Global warming and the perils of sleeping at sea level...

Saw a preview of Al Gore's movie last night...actually, are they still called previews after the movie has been released? Maybe trailer is more correct.

Anyway, Gore says sea level will be rising by 20 feet...just as soon as those polar ice caps melt. "20 feet? That will make us ocean front," says I. "We'll be under water," says Nicole. I think Nicole is wrong, but then I got to thinking: we just got rid of the loft bed...we now have 8 fewer feet to protect us from the cold Pacific Ocean.

An English teacher read my ad in the Recycler, and liked my description so much that he had to buy the thing. I believe he asked me if I am a writer. Obviously, he is not a takealotofdrugs reader.

LOFT BED QUEEN SIZE SF LOFT BED COMPANY We bought this mattress from the San Francisco Loft Bed Company 5 years ago. Evidently the dot com bust put them out of business...Which means that you can only buy the world's best loft bed used. Originally unfinished pine, my wife and I spent countless hours staining the bed to a dark Bombay Mahogany. The bed comes with a matching shelf (used as a night table). We also stained a pair of Ikea dressers to match (make an offer, if you want them).

The bed is far sturdier than anything you can find elsewhere. It is free standing, but can be mounted to a stud for even more stability.

The mattress (not included) sits on a flat platform (no slats like on an Ikea model), so your mattress choices are limitless. We are currently using a Tempurpedic, though most people just go with a futon mattress.

I had the bed made extra high, so that I can stand under it (I am 5'10"+), but it can be lowered to fit in a room with standard ceilings.

(Re)Assembly is simple. Instructions are included. All you need are a 5/16" wrench (ratchet preferred) and an extra set of hands

So now we're sleeping on the floor...with only a $2000 mattress to protect us from those melting polar ice caps. Read about the search for a new bed over on Nico's blog.

Wow, I'm sounding like some pro-global warming wacko, no? I am not. I want gasoline to be so expensive that everybody starts driving around in blowcarts. I will teach Blowcart Drivers' Ed. Yes, I aware that my views on the environment conflict with the platform of my Libertarian Party. I am also an advocate for meat inspectors...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

What killed Anna Nicole?

Bad karma, I'm sure...

But I'm also sure that anybody who works in a building with 90+ pharmacists would start a similar pool.

$1 to enter; money must be on my desk prior to any leaks from a coroner's report appearing anywhere in the media/on the web.

My pick: combination opioid (probably methadone) and amphetamine overdose. I'm not really sure what Trimspa is (and their website is down), but let's throw that into the cocktail also. I wonder what the vegas odds are on a methadone, amphetamine, Trimspa trifecta.