I got plants, brother.

(Original title of this post was: "I got fish, brother", but the video of my new Dwarf Gouramies was rather underexposed. Also, some of you get attached to my fish, then they die, and you get upset.

Plants are a little harder to kill. Here are some of my current patio selections:



In sailing news, here's me (and crew) at the Balboa Yacht Club with my very first real sailing trophy. I have won plenty of races (well maybe not plenty, but at least some), but the trophies have always been things like ALYC lunchboxes...or trophies recycled from previous races. (I know what you're thinking: "This trophy is just a cup..." You are wrong. It is a beer stein...for drinking lager [I won the lager series]. I would also have an ale stein, had I shown up last month for my trophy (for the ale series).


Finally, I have one more picture...of some hot chick ironing my shirt. She was a demon hot chick ironing my shirt, but as usual I have done my best to un-redden her eyes.

People are always asking, did I know about Tyler Durden.

Since my Lasik surgery, watching television and reading have been a little uncomfortable. Not to worry, Nico has been filling in as a book on tape. Not really on tape, but you get the idea. Now that I think about it, I really should have been recording her...though she does not do voices very well...or at least not as I would do them, had I ever the occasion to read an entire novel aloud. With Nico narrating, everybody comes off sounding a little too animated. But I digress. She just finished reading Survivor to me. Chuck Palahniuk is quite brilliant if you have the stomach for him. Pa-len-ik...it's almost fun to say.

I am swearing off red wine.

Sorry I have no pictures of the weekend's Zin party; too much zin, and I forgot all about the camera.

Good thing the party was at my house, as I had the highest score on the Alcohawk! I think the results may have been skewed a little by the alcohol swab I used to clean the mouthpiece...because I was in fact, not dead.


Julie, proud owner of the Alcohawk had a great story about what she was doing with an Alcohawk...but I cannot seem to remember it this morning.

"It looks like Wednesday night Beercans out there..."


So said the British commentator on VS as New Zealand wrecked spinnaker after spinnaker during race #5 of the America's Cup. What's the big deal? Those spinnakers only cost $27,000 a piece.

Here in Newport, we race Beercans on Thursdays...and I looked like anything but a Beercan racer as I cruised to my 2nd straight victory. I'll attribute 30% of my new found success to luck, 30% to my new set of eyes, and 40% to my superb crew (they have become better at sail trimming than the captain).

Directly behind my backstay, you can see two Shields off in the distance. I have never been this far ahead in a race...


The trick to taking a good picture of yourself, is to hold the camera up high...or so I've heard. Sevin shot this one of us:

Step-wise therapy/treatment of post-Lasik dry eyes

(Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)

1) Solicit your coworkers for sad stories. If you know the difference between comedy and tragedy, you will understand why this step will not work. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Coworkers: before you get mad at me, that is a Mel Brooks quote).

2) Stock up on preservative free Refresh Plus. Your ophthalmologist will likely recommend something thicker like Refresh Liquigel or Systane. Your ophthalmologist neither has dry eyes, nor has to stare at a computer all day; he does not understand that Refresh Liquigel and Systane are so thick that they will congeal on your eyes and make it impossible to see. No matter how hard you try, it is impossible to wash off a glob of Systane with more Systane.

3) Fill that prescription for the potent immunosuppressant (previously used to prevent the rejection associated with organ transplantation). If you had done your reading ahead of time, you would have started this step one month prior to your Lasik procedure. (Have no fear about the immunosuppression; the mechanism of action of Restasis is actually: put something really gritty in your eyes, and they will have no choice but to water. You could probably accomplish the same thing by rolling around at the beach).

4) Have your opthalmologist plug up your tear ducts. No, really. You have two tear ducts on each side. Start with the lowers. (Your insurance company will probably want to make this step 3, and Restasis step 4).

5) Moisture chamber glasses!!! I was looking around for some pictures of these really cool goggles that spray mist on your eyes, and have windshield wipers (on the inside) so you can still see. However, all I can find are these gems. They're designed just to prevent evaporation. (I assume there is not much market for these among the post-Lasik crowd).

I hear some of you are sick of looking at my foot.

Well, I don't care. I am totally getting a pair of these. Maybe many pairs.

I really am number 1!!!!!!!!!!!

I better mirror that link, just in case I never win another race.

I had a whole bunch more to type, but I lost interest during the last 12 minutes while I listened to a man call me sir...then ask if I was a man or a woman...then proceed to call me ma'am...then tell me about how next week he will be ordering his Lipitor. I am never going to have those 12 minutes back.

The complications of LASIK.

Made it through an entire week of showering with my eyes closed without dropping a can of shaving cream on my foot. I was not so fortunate on day 8. This picture of my well cleaned foot was taken after the bleeding had stopped. I am very happy to still have my little toe. Nico has terrible bedside manner, and nearly made me faint.


Still not cleared for sailing, tandeming, or running, so I let Nico drag me to do some very Nicole-esque things. I know the Getty is Nicole-esque because those goddamn purple dressed women in their goddamn red hats were there. Actually, they seem to follow me everywhere. I'm not sure how they know how to find me.


Here are some soothing pictures I took of the gardens at the Getty:





Darlin' don't you go and cut your hair.

Number of people left in the world calling me Doogie: 1

Actually, I never saw the resemblance...


To the real Doogie Howser: Happy Birthday.

I tell the same joke many different ways, but you never seem to get it...

While I try to remember the exact moment when everybody at my work turned into my sister.