If I was a Mekon, we'd talk about a tour.

First Too Much Joy concert in 10 years, and Nico says we have to go to a wedding. I hate weddings. Come on guys, play the west coast. You can sleep on our floor.

It was really hot on Sunday, until the smoke started providing shade. Smoke and raining ashes...very pleasant afternoon.

Does she have biceps like Henry Rollins?


The mission: Get in shape before the Jamaica trip...just in case Nico wants to go to the nude beach...more correctly, it's a nude island. Why the hell would they evacuate the nude island before taking this picture?


So it was off to the ARC for a Tuesday night workout. We have had membership at the ARC for years, but only manage to get in there once every 6 months...and I cannot remember ever having made it into the weight room. The weights were more like something you would find in the world's largest physical therapy facility. They have a machine for everything. Nicole was afraid of the various contraptions, and did not believe me when I told her all she had to do was 1) decide what part of the body needed work, and 2) find the machine with a picture of that part of the body. Instead she has hired a personal trainer. I think it is Fabio. No, I am not a jealous guy.

Speaking of Daylight Savings Time, now is probably as good a time as any to Update the World Clock.

Newport Beach

Next stop: Las Vegas, which evidently is on the same Time Zone. Hard to tell though, as casinos do not have clocks...

Las Vegas

Attention Crazy Women (yes, you and you): I am not Hans Wilsdorf.

Please stop asking me to fix your clocks.

I sure hope I don't get charged for busy signals...

Evidently, I made 43 calls to the French Laundry (before getting put on hold for 13 minutes).

As Nicole and I are not content with peddling a mere metric century in the Long Beach Tour de Cure, we'll also be doing a real century in the Napa Tour. How hard can 100 miles be when you can stop for wine every half mile?

We never ate at the French Laundry while we were living in Napa...I had just graduated, and $85 for dinner (9 course vegetarian tasting menu) seemed way too steep. Also, one cannot get reservations there anyway. (They book 2 months in advance, but that does not really matter, because they never answer the phone). In retrospect, $85 for dinner now appears to have been a bargain. I am very glad gratuity is included in that $240...leaving a $50 tip boggles my mind; actually I guess it would be a $100 tip, as Nicole would likely want to eat, as well. I wonder if gratuity is included on wine. Speaking of wine, their corkage is $50. How expensive of a bottle of wine do I need to bring to make that worthwhile?

So after those 43 calls and 13 minutes on hold, I got my name put on a waiting list for May 6th. I think they train the phone operators to sound surprised when there are no available reservations.

Dr. Laura, we started sailing at the same time...I assumed you would be giving the boat to me.

My name is Michael, and I am a drug addict. Not surprising for a guy with a webpage named takealotofdrugs.com? Mark Helprin understands my addiction; most likely you do not.

I have been clean for the better part of 5 years. Still, given the chance to walk the farms of Colombia, I would feel obligated to at least sample the crops, though I am sure that I could stop after just a small taste...Colombian is good and all, but you can buy it just about anywhere; and even high quality Colombian does not compare to Jamaica Blue. If Jamaica Blue were easily (and cheaply) available in the US, I never would have been on the wagon for so long.

Nico and I are planning a trip to Caribbean. Nico says all inclusive is the only way to do Jamaica. I could do without the all you can eat; I could even do without the all you can drink. All you can sail/all you can windsurf? I am sold. I had not, however, counted on all the Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee you can drink. I can say without a doubt that I will be hooked by the end of the week. I think I'll bring an empty suitcase to pack with coffee to bring home. I am told the street price in Jamaica is only $11/pound...compare that with $57.26 at Diedrich, and I could go into business.

Questions you might want to ask Greg Lemond, should you ever meet him...



What should we call our Tour de Cure Team?

I had not had quite enough to drink to actually ask him this, and since the Thingnamer would not provide me with a name (I think I have run up a $24,000 bill), the best we could come up with was the Bob Robert's Society Band. If you're a cyclist, please consider joining the Bob Robert's Society Band (we might be riding the Napa Tour also). If you are not a cyclist, please donate some money to the American Diabetes Association by click on this link right here.

So anyway, the weirdest question that somebody actually asked was: "What's your lead level?" Though Greg Lemond seemed a little surprised by this question, he talked freely about the dozens of shotgun pellets in his body, about the chelation he might need, and about how he might be insane. He sounded much less insane than most people who call me asking about chelation...more people than you would imgine call me asking about chelation.

Everything you love about Vegas...

Picture a generic (non-themed) Vegas Casino. Take away any glamorous tourists (replace with sleazy locals from the 909; take away the hot cocktail waitresses (replace with sleazy locals from the 909) and their free drinks; take away the dice at the craps table (replace with playing cards numbered Ace through 6); and take away all that cigarette smoke...

Wait a second, Casino Morongo was full of cigarette smoke. I'm not really sure how smoking is possible indoors in our Proud State of California...must have something to do with Tribal Law trumping state statutes. So why the hell are there no dice at the craps table?

Of course, nothing seemed to be bothering my very favorite Korean Pharmacist, a self proclaimed gambling addict, as she hammered away at the black jack tables. After 3 hours, I dragged her away...she was not happy and complained the whole way home. Telling her: "You were up $300, you never would have left with that money had you stayed another 2 hours," did nothing to placate her.

My date shake at Hadley's (next door) was the highlight of my day. A true slice of Americana...the little restaurant in the front is plastered with head shots of the various celebrities that have stopped at the place (it used to be the last sign of civilization before Palm Springs). Most notable: 3 (randomly placed) signed photos of Kevin Nealon: young Kevin Nealon (SNL, or maybe pre-SNL), middle aged Kevin Nealon (not sure what he was doing for the last 20 years), and old Kevin Nealon (Weeds era).